Microsoft Granted Patent

Shecoda · 04-25-2005

Thursday, Appril 15 12:00 AM ET

Microsoft Granted Patent for Creating Insecure Software
By Brian Briggs

Redmond, WA - The US patent office awarded US patent 9,724,341 to Microsoft for its unique method in creating massive vulnerabilities in its software using Internet Explorer and ActiveX.

"The patent office recognized that Internet Explorer and ActiveX are a unique innovation in operating system insecurity," shouted Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. "Once again our innovations are being recognized, and our competitors, mainly Linux, will not be able to copy our security holes. Yes!"

Ballmer also screamed that Microsoft would leverage this patent to "charge excessive license fees to our competitors who also want to create insecure software."

Microsoft has used the technology on a smaller scale in its Office productivity suite, but plans a wider scale rollout among its other product lines, including its game titles, and even to its popular hardware lines. Microsoft's Vice President of Hardware Products, Kevin Torgo said, "Our popular mice and keyboards will be riddled with vulnerabilities in their next versions. I can't wait to see what we can do with this on the Xbox and Xbox Live."

Open Source advocates who usually protest software patents agree that Microsoft has been the innovator in insecurity. "I think most software patents are ridiculous. I don't think there is any example of a company creating such vulnerabilities on such a widespread scale as Microsoft, so I think their patent is safe from prior art challenges," said Ted Lofgren of the Open Source Consortium Foundation.

Many computer users said they would continue to use the Microsoft products despite their security vulnerabilities because they were "too dumb to know any different" and "welcomed the opportunity to invite hackers to steal their banking information."

Spyware creator Sneakysoft applauds the decision and cannot wait for the widespread adoption by the industry, "We're excited by this announcement, and hope that other software manufacturers will embrace this technology."

Microsoft's application for a patent on "the process to eliminate competition through unfair business practices" was denied.

:-D

Shecoda · 04-25-2005

In related news Microsoft announces the release of Microsoft Obsecurity.

Technical Information

Obsecurity General FAQ

This page contains answers to questions about Microsoft Obsecurity general issues. If the questions and answers below do not address your specific concern, please go to Knowledge Base Search at Microsoft Online Product Support.

What is Microsoft Obsecurity?
Microsoft Obsecurity is the most secure and powerful internet server ever created. Microsoft Obsecurity provides the most comprehensive platform for building a new generation of Web applications.

Why is it called Obsecurity?
Open Source software advocates have long argued that "security through obscurity" won't work. Microsoft asserts that these "claims" are untrue and will prove that security through obscurity is indeed viable. Thus, Microsoft Obsecurity was born.

What makes Microsoft Obsecurity so secure?
Microsoft Obsecurity uses the most complex encryption algorithms (including double ROT-13 encoding) and firewall technology ever created. Microsoft also enlisted the help of some of the world's foremost security experts to design the system architecture. To ensure complete security in Obsecurity, Microsoft will never release this product to the public. It is locked in a vault in Sub-Basement 16 in Redmond, WA.

Is Microsoft Obsecurity vulnerable when misconfigured by a systems administrator?
Misconfiguration of Microsoft Obsecurity is impossible. Unlike Linux, inexperienced systems administrators won't be able to adjust parameters, or misuse its powerful configuration tools. Network supervisors won't have to download the latest patches to keep out hackers. They can rest easy knowing that a network running Microsoft Obsecurity has never been compromised.

Will Microsoft Obsecurity work with my existing hardware/software?
Yes, due to its non-existence Microsoft Obsecurity will work on your current hardware configuration. From Timex Sinclairs to Cray Supercomputers. No need to purchase additional hardware upgrades from companies like Sun. Obsecurity will also integrate seamlessly with your current operating system be it Windows 2000, Solaris, or Linx. It also works with every web development platform, from ASP to Cold Fusion. This makes Obsecurity the first truly platform independent server.

Will Microsoft ever release the source code for Obsecurity?
Microsoft will not make the source code available to anyone at any time. Neither will any compiled code for Microsoft Obsecurity be released. Mysteriously all Beta testers and programmers for Microsoft Obsecurity have disappeared and have not been heard from in weeks. We don't know anything about that.

Sounds great, where can I purchase Microsoft Obsecurity?
Licenses can be purchased online directly from Microsoft in 1 ($699), 10($999), and 100+($1799) user licenses. Since there are no expensive holographic compact discs or downloads required, Microsoft can keep the cost of these licenses very low.